Open Letter to Science

Dear Science:

Could someone please tell me where all this "new technology" is? Short of smart phones and a few voice-activated commands here and there, where’s the virtual world we were supposed to be inhabiting by now?

Where's the voice-driven house that responds to commands like, "Turn off that light!” or “Lower the air conditioning”? Surely we can do better than The Clapper.

It looks to me as if the technology is there, but the follow through is lacking. I expected more from whoever it is that drives the decision-making these days.

Remember the promises of nanotechnology? Weren’t we supposed to have super-clothes by now, like shirtsleeves that monitor your heart rate, or hoodies with built in satellite radio?

I keep reading about an alleged refrigerator that orders groceries using a built-in UPC scanning system. All you have to do is hit email before heading off to go the grocer and - Bingo! - your shopping list is sent to your phone. PeaPod is great and all, but we still have to click all over the place on a web site, a colossal waste of time. Once again, we have some of it, but not the whole shebang.

How about the bulb that lasts forever? Where's that one? Every time I buy light bulbs I can't help feeling like the environment is the one getting screwed instead of  the light bulb. Is some corporation keeping the formula for long-lasting bulbs a secret?

Why am I only reading about these things and not using them?

And another thing, stop making cool stuff only for young people. Plenty of people like me have paid our dues, and we deserve cool stuff, too. Where were all these “gamers” when our generation was struggling with real issues, like the Microsoft Windows Blue Screen of Death, and dial-up modems?  

It looks to me like you smartypants  types have your priorities all wrong. You concentrate on tools to help us work, rather than actually doing the work for us. This is a big difference.

True, you invented a robot lawnmower that cuts grass on its own, but you need to install all kinds of crazy infrared sensors to make it work properly. Plus you need to be there to supervise it. Where's the smart technology that trims hedges on its own or cleans my gutters and power-washes the shed while I snooze on my hammock?

Why, Science, are you wasting time creating things that take away people’s jobs? Self-service supermarket checkouts? Pizza delivery apps? For some of us, retail shopping  is the only socialization we get outside of work. And where the heck did bag boys and gas station attendants go? I have to carry my own bags, fill my own gas tank and wash my own windows. Sometimes all in the same day!

Why not invent something much, much cooler? Something that doesn’t take anyone’s job, but makes life more fun? How about a car alarm that plays Rock You Like a Hurricane?  Or a cheeseburger that’s good for you?

Take a cue from Star Trek. Plenty of ideas there. Transporting people? Food replicators? It even looks to me like they don’t need toilets in the future. Who knows? Maybe they invented some type of chemical and embedded it in their Starfleet suits that neutralized urine and fecal matter instantly so that, in essence, your clothing is your toilet. It sounds gross, but it's better than the current practice of using our planet, our only planet, like a toilet.

Speaking of bathrooms, here are two more failures:  automatic flushing urinals and high-powered hand dryers. It wasn't so bad, grabbing that chrome handle in public rest rooms. It was a part of the experience of urinating. Now that's gone too, another useless piece of smart technology in its place. As for the paperless dryer, what was wrong with having a guy in there handing out towels? Now his job is gone, too. Since we’re on the subject, where is the “smart toilet” that analyzes body waste and creates a custom diet for you each day, or alerts you to potential health problems? I’m not getting any younger.

The last one though, the one that really frosts me, is how cool you think you’ve become, Science. The Big Bang Theory? Stephen Hawking? Higgs-Boson parties? All of a sudden you’re better than those Gary Larson cartoon professors with their matching white coats and humble spectacles. What about the nerds who paved the way, thus making it cool for you scientists to be nerds in the first place?  

Some of us spent our entire teenaged years watching sappy eighties sitcoms like "Bosom Buddies" and "The Facts of Life", while you get the Science Channel, SyFy Network, Nat Geo, NOVA, and just about anything else you want. All I had to look up to was Beaker from the Muppets. 

Want to know what my generation got in the way of a science-fiction  television series? "Alf".

So there you have it, Science. It’s time to think about more than video games, stealth weapons, and hair replacement products. If you really want to win my support back, try inventing  something of use for those of us over 40, like a way of turning our iPhones into reading glasses, or a home liposuction kit.