Things Lawyers Say

Part of the job of the principal is to attend legal proceedings and testify on behalf of the school. It was at one of these hearings when I realized that lawyers have an informal language all their own. I don't mean legalese or anything like that. Everyone knows the verboseness of the legal profession can be mind-numbing, what with all the heretofore's and whatsoforths, etc.

What I'm talking about is more in how rival lawyers interact with each other, how they ask questions and make statements, as well as the words they choose. In many ways, it's like an elaborate mating ritual only instead of feathers and catcalls lawyers use specific words, dramatic theatrics and a lot of hot air.

Here are a few terms and their underlying meanings that I've picked up along the way.

When a lawyer starts his question with "Do you meant to tell me that..." what he actually means is "I'm not going to believe whatever it is you say next and I hope no one else does either. And they accent certain words for greater effect. " Do you really mean to tell me, Mr. Wheeler, that this memo with your signature is actually your memo?"

Conversely, when a lawyer starts with, "Isn't it true that..." , what he or she means is "I believe this and so should whoever else is listening." All I could think of when this phrase was delivered was just about every episode of Law and Order that I've ever watched.

There is also a certain way lawyers interrupt each other. When one lawyer is talking and another lawyer interrupts him, he starts his interrupting sentence by holding up his hand and saying, "If I may". While this sounds polite it really means "shut the hell up and let me say something." In a legal sense, you could almost think of the phrase as like a weak objection of sorts. Whatever the other guy is saying isn't offensive enough for the other lawyer to yell "objection!" so he says this instead.

At one hearing I attended, opposing lawyers kept calling each other "brother" as in "What my brother fails to address here is the issue of relevancy." I have to admit to finding the use of this term odd. To call someone "brother" definitely has an old-world feel to it. All I kept thinking of was English judges with wigs and robes. That, or college-aged potheads at a Dave Mathews show. "Hey Brother, pass that one-hitter here."

I'm not sure how a female lawyer would be addressed as I have not yet been in that social situation. Somehow, when I imagine it, I can't seem to see a male lawyer calling a female lawyer "sister" without getting punched in the nose. Trust me though, I'll keep an eye out for this encounter and report back.

Some lawyers, especially those who get to argue in front of a crowd, like to use one-liners to make a point. The most famous quip is Brendan Sullivan, who was Oliver North's attorney during the Iran-Contra hearings. When questioned as to why he kept conferring with Mr. North before every answer, he replied with the now-famous line, "I'm his lawyer. I'm not a potted plant." This one line got Ollie off, if you ask me.

Sometimes, if you're really lucky, you get to see some great theatrics too. When emotions run high there's sure to be a lot of fist-pounding and eye-rolling. Eventually, angry looks get exchanged, papers get tossed in front witnesses with a vengeance, and the whole thing becomes a sideshow, better than anything on television at the moment if you ask me.

But the final thing lawyers say is just about universal, meaning I don't think I've heard one lawyer ever not say it. Once I tried counting how many times this phrase was said but I lost count before lunch. And since so many of them say this line, I imagine it must get taught in law schools everywhere.

So what's the one thing they all say?

"Let's take a break."